It’s been some time since my first issue of Loving Advice…For Married Men, and for weeks now, I’ve been trying to hash out a second issue. Problem is, the first one was so damn good (in my opinion, at least) that attempting to top it, or at least match it with a sequel seems incredibly difficult. It’s like Don McClean’s American Pie. Or Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just want to Have Fun. I’m kidding, of course. Time After Time was way better.
1. In marriage, especially sans children, you’ll find that there is no need whatsoever to “steal the moment”. To that end, there’s no hurry up, lets do this—my roommate will be gone all afternoon only to have him walk in unexpectedly because he did not dress warmly enough for that cold May day. As a result, small blunders, such as reading the newspaper and failing to respond to your wife as she asks you a question is grounds for cancellation of all planned activities for that evening even if she was in the middle of pulling out her lingerie…
2. When it comes to work around the house, you can gain a position of power by identifying the high-point chores. Things that she can’t stand to do, like cleaning the bathroom, are ideal. Sucking it up and happily carrying out such tasks will get you a lot of points to redeem for, really, whatever you want. It’s like the Chuck E Cheese prize counter after winning the jackpot on that stupid game where the light goes around in a circle and you try to…I digress. Think about it: She says: “Why isn’t dinner ready?”. You respond: “I was too busy cleaning the bathroom”. Congrats, my friend—you just won dinner, dessert, and dessert.
3. Harassing your wife with a wax-covered Q-tip is NEVER a good idea.
4. Enter an agreement with your wife that you will buy her flowers from time to time, but it will never be on a flower-oriented holiday such as Valentines Day, Mothers Day, etc. You can save yourself a butt-load of money and long lines with this simple idea.
5. Sorry if this sounds more like something you’d read in some cheesy email forward, but I promise it’s legit. Instead of always commending your wife for the same things, challenge yourself by regularly mentioning new things that you love about her. She’ll be especially flattered, and besides, nothing beats making her blush just like she did when you were first dating and she said “I’m really hot” after a summer run, and you said “Yeah, you are”.
6. The next time the two of you are in Wal-Mart, and she heads over to get new razors (or something), loudly announce to her that you’ll be in the family planning section.
7. If, at the gym, your wife happens to gesture towards the treadmills and say: “Oh my God, that girl’s practically falling out!”, you’ve just been given a very rare gift. DO NOT BLOW IT!! Put on you most critical face, observe for no more than 5 seconds (but even that may be pushing it), and say something to let her know that you agree and are equally disgusted. Don’t even risk a second glance, lest you never receive such a privilege again.