We all know about them: the ambiguous, often emo, status updates/tweets. Most of us have been guilty of them at least one time or another. Some of us seem to only share tidbits of their lives with the online world in this cryptic fashion. These types of messages can be vexing for the rest of us: vaguely curious about the details, not sure if we should be concerned. No longer! Using unprecedented sample sizes and state-of-the-art algorithms, Absolutely Andrew has cracked the code. We proudly present to you a list of some of the most common types of cryptic one-liners and their deciphered meanings.
1. My Husband is Amazing!
You obviously had incredible sex after which he cuddled with you and chatted for more than the typical 10 minutes before falling asleep. Given the fact that this post is most prevalent around holidays, especially Valentine’s Day, some sort of thoughtful gift/meal likely proceeded the sex, but the heart of the inspiration was the sex/cuddling. Why else would we be left guessing?
2. My Wife is Amazing!
I’m not thinking we need to explain this one. Besides, it’s rated NC-17.
3. Please Pray for me today.
Ah yes, the use of social networking as a prayer request tool. I can respect that. I would be happy to pray that you get over your constipation smoothly.
4. Something doesn’t feel right.
You had Taco Bell again, and yet again, it has turned on you.
5. Last night was amazing!
You went to a party/event, met a really great guy/girl and hit it off really well. You’re being vague because the two of you are now fb friends and it is waaaay too soon to appear emotionally attached. Most likely, he/she has seen your post, read between the lines and is either equally flattered or halfway to Santa Fe by now.
6. Well that didn’t work out like I thought it would…
This one depends on when the poster was born:
Baby Boomer: Boomers, to their credit, do not post cryptic one-liners. Instead, they try to use the status update field as a sort of blog entry. Can any of you boomers tell me if there’s a max character limit on that? I’d be happy to show you how to get on Word Press…
70’s: These people don’t have fb.
80’s: You thought you could get out of chores by offering your spouse bedroom favors. It failed, and now you have more chores and less bedroom time.
90’s: You attempted to impress the girl/guy you are interested in and failed, most likely by farting as you tried to lift her up to demonstrate your strength or while wrestling him to be flirty.
2000’s: Holy shit, these people are old enough to be on fb?! I quit…
You just fell head over heals for someone for the first time in your life and she feels the same way. You want to shout it out, but you feel that would be pompous, so instead you settle for an ambiguous statement that everyone sees right through anyway.