I’m not going to name you here. Since I have dated more than 50 women in my life, no one will ever be able to know which one this is addressed to. You of course know this is false, but for the sake of my image on this blog, please don’t tell anyone.
I hope this finds you well. I am writing you with regards to a certain box I kept with artifacts from our relationship. Many of us participate in such practices. Few hold onto such boxes for nearly 10 years after the relationship has ended. If I were a less sentimental man, I’d have probably ceremoniously burned your box some time after we broke up. Not out of anger–it would just be more enjoyable than tossing the box in the trash.
Until recently, your box resided in a larger box of keepsakes deep in the basement of my parents’ house. No longer. Late in the evening your box was taken by a wave of shit. A sewer blockage just below the house caused the neighborhood fecal matter to gurgle up from the drain and take the box by force.
I hope the demise of your box doesn’t seem unceremonious to you. After all, when Boromir is killed by the Orcs in The Two Towers his comrades lay his body in a small row boat and send him down the river and over the falls. Surely this scene would be just as powerful if, rather than a pristine, mountain stream, Boromir’s craft was carried away by a toilet flush in a FiberOne household. My parents did retrieve the box, but, as they probably felt burning would be unsafe, it went straight to the trash.
I’m not sure how to conclude this. All concluding remarks were made 10 years ago. You’re probably more surprised that I still had the box than you are to hear of its disposal. If you happen to be weird like me and still have my box, I will not be offended if this prompts you to conduct similar ceremony. I might suggest Papio Creek.
1. If your boss has multiple email addresses that all go to the same inbox, when composing an email that is likely to become a lengthy thread, address it to all of his/her emails. This way he/she can get several copies of each message.
2. Talk at length about the food you prepared/ate the previous night. Salivate heavily and throw in as many Soooo Goood!’s and MMMM’s as you can.
3. Party-boy the purchasing agent.
4. If you live on a diet of fatty, processed foods, disregard the sign in the men’s room that says “Leave Fan on During Day”.
5. Fart just before entering someone else’s cubicle/office such that you carry the smell in with you. For extra points, go into someone’s office while they are on speaker phone and fart loudly. Can you say framed?!
6. In lieu of an actual trash can in the bathroom, throw used paper towels into the unused shower.
7. Stick packing peanuts in conspicuous places on the men’s room signs.
8. Purchase a small, lewd doll from a novelty shop and tape it to the underside of your boss’s phone handset. When he goes to take that important call, he’ll get quite the surprise!
9. During a meeting, make smart, but completely useless and irrelevant observations. Your coworkers will be so impressed by your knowledge that they’ll completely forget that this meeting has gone well into lunch time.
10. If you are a “higher-up” at your company, make a habit of having closed-door conversations with the door open but in hushed voices. Closing the door is way to much work, and besides, this will make your subordinates work harder when they walk by and become paranoid that you are talking about them.
11. If you have a hairy chest, NEVER, EVER button your top two buttons.
12. Go into a neighboring business and ask them if they have an extra ream of paper laying around. Take a whole handful of Lifesavers from the bowl on the secretary’s desk before leaving.
13. Make it a goal to build up copious amounts of B.O. by 10:30 in the morning. This can really confuse your coworkers, especially if it’s apparent that you showered before work.
1. Discuss whether you will be brushing teeth before or after.
2. Gym, shower, beer, and Red Box movie is a perfect Friday evening.
3. Split off from your family at the mall to go into Victoria’s Secret with your wife.
4. Look at lingerie in VS and be 100% comfortable with it.
5. Call for a timeout during foreplay to go fart in the other room. Better safe than sorry, right?
6. Send a text to your sister-in-law that simply says “Pooping” for absolutely no reason.
7. Call your wife’s office and become a strange combination of giddy, proud, and aroused when she answers in her professional voice.
8. Miss home even on a one-nighter with the guys.
9. Get excited about 500 thread count sheets.
10. You actually use your wine stoppers.
11. You realize there really is such a thing as being too tired.
Let me preface this by saying that I enjoyed each and every post on my wall in honor of the day of my birth. These are the posts that were either the most creative, made me laugh the hardest, or both.
5. Happy Birthday snow demon—Pastor Eric
4. happy birthday Mormon—Kiranbir
3. i still have “Dusty & The Andrew” in my phone contacts. I wonder who would answer if i called that dorm room now. 🙂 THANKS FOR BEING BORN!!! hope you have a great one!—Kettelhake
2. It was about this time 25 years ago that your mother woke me up and said “it’s time”. “Time for what?” I replied sleepily. Happy 25th, Andrew!—My father
1. May the fleece of a thousand Gideons become wet with dew and commemorate you as a mighty man of valor, on this, the day of your birth.—Gavin
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