Monthly Archives: November 2009

Do I have what it takes to be Atheist?

There comes a point in many a young person’s life, often during his or her quest for knowledge, that he/she may begin to question the existence of God.  He/she may be thinking that atheism sounds pretty good.  I mean, screw that deism bullshit–that stuff is for sissies, you’ve gotta go all or nothing on this (or none or everything).  Atheism is not to be taken lightly–after all, only the smartest, most sophisticated scholars are atheists.  If this is you, and you want to hang with the big wigs and piss Christians off by arrogantly talking loudly about your beliefs in public areas, here are some quick tips to help you determine if you’re cut out for atheism*.

1.  Don’t throw away your Bible.  You will need to study this more than you did as a Christian.  You don’t want to come off like some sort of dumb shit in front of well educated Christians.  Read it for contradictions, and stuff that doesn’t make any sense.  Leviticus is an excellent place to start.  You can find enough material in there to completely toss out the entire Bible’s validity.  You know what, don’t even read anything else–base all your arguments off of this one book.  Why waste your time right?  You’ve got sophisticated parties to go to.

2.  Trade in your faith for assumption.  You may have lost your faith in Jesus because he is so 33 A.D., but the smart scientist on the Discovery Channel says that it’s a fact that the entire universe formed when an atom farted so big that it created enough unstable matter to blow up into all the solar systems and galaxies.  He also says Christians are dumb which increases his validity tenfold.  Take pride in knowing that this is absolute fact because it has never been disproved, while the Bible contradicts itself at least 50 times–so you’ve heard.  Besides, Jimmy claims he farted out his own mini solar system back in the dorms freshman year, and this only strengthens the theory, I mean fact.

3.  If in doubt, search the news for stories about the most extreme “Christian” groups.  For instance, the guys that stand on the street corner waving signs that say “Fags must Die” or “God Hates Fags” are excellent material.  Or how about those Christian Scientists who let a young boy die from strep throat because they prayed for him rather than giving him medicine.  Once you’ve gotten enough material, refer back to your assumption skills from #2 and assume that all Christians are like this.  You’ll be an atheist to be reckoned with after this.

There you have it.  Take this advice, and you’ll be an atheist in no time.  Just remember:  all Christians are idiots who don’t believe in science.  Welcome to sophistication!

*Andrew is neither an Atheist nor is he at all qualified to give advice on how to become one.  His interests are only satire, amusement, and making himself sound bad ass by referring to himself in the third person as though an editor wrote this note.

Random Things to Do (or maybe not actually do)

Some of these things I’ve actually done, some I have not.

1.  While at a friend’s (or enemy’s) house, go take a dump, but rather than throwing the used toilet paper into the toilet, throw it into the trash can instead.

2.  Carry out a dating relationship almost entirely over instant messenger.  The initial asking out, sensual conversation i.e. “what size is your bra?”, and the breakup should all be done via ASCII text sent through the interweb.  The knowledge that your words are stripped down to hexadecimal data packets, sent a great distance, and then parsed and reconstructed before being presented to her can be particularly meaningful to her, and often times, heavily arousing.

3.  While heavily intoxicated, climb up into a  large, nest-like structure and make dove noises at old people that randomly happen to be walking by at 2 in the morning.  When they stop beneath you and look around trying to identify the source of the noise, try not to giggle like school girls.

4.  After leaving the bathroom, turn on the fan and say to your wife: “Well, I don’t think I topped yours, but it was still pretty good”

5.  Approach a girl that is sitting alone at the bar.  Don’t bother trying to hide your drunken state or attempt to say something smart, sensitive or thought provoking–Simply roughly pat her shoulder and say “Hey!!!”  If that doesn’t get her to ditch her boyfriend who’s in front of the mirror in the bathroom trying to get the perfect pop out of his collar, nothing will.

6.  Late into the night, the urinal lines in the bar men’s room can get a bit lengthy.  Although joining in on the camaraderie with the other occupants that you are all here with the same goal can be tempting, efficiency in this situation is crucial.  Speed things up by unzipping while you’re on deck.

7.  While on an amusement park ride that has a photo section, strip off all your clothes in time for the picture, and then put them back on before returning to the loading area.  Imagine all the kids with their parents excited waiting after the ride to see their picture on one of the monitors only to behold that unsolicited display.  There are varying levels of this one that receive different degrees of WTF? factor:

Newbie:  The Log Ride
Intermediate:  The Mamba
Expert:  Any inverted roller coaster

8.  Streak through Jazz in June.  Start back by the physics building, run up the north side, veer right, run right in front of the band, then down into the scupture garden, out the other side, and into a getaway car wating for you on R street.  (Gavin gets partial credit for the conception of this one)

9.  If you are a real-life douchebag, go to a douchebag themed party and see if anybody realizes that you’re the only one not faking it.  To be extra daring, make a giant martini in a giant martini glass and carry it around insisting that everyone take a drink from it cheering them on as they do so and sloshing it all over the floor while you fist pump.

10.  If, in eigth grade, the girl your age that lives accross the street calls you over and asks you in front of your friends if you know what a blow job is, and you honestly don’t, so you simply take your best context guess and say: “What, with cars?” only to be ridiculed, get her back years later by heading over when she’s outside and you haven’t talked to her in some time, and ask her loudly while her dad is within earshot cleaning the garage: “Remeber in eigth grade when you offered to give me a blow job?”

The Typical Series of Events of a Midwestern Highschool Band’s Trip to the State Marching Competitio

10:00 AM:  The band members arrive at the school to do a final run through of the show before boarding the buses.  During the run through, moods are tense.  The Drum majors are terse, and conduct with determined, sharp, choppy motions.  Section leaders and seniors are particularly moody, yelling things like: “Come on, guys!  We’ve been through this a hundred times!” 
     Band parents litter the hillside cheering support.  The less dedicated have their video cameras out, as they won’t be traveling the 50 miles or so to the actual competition.  The more dedicated have their video cameras out as well, prepared to film everything.

10:45 AM:  The run through is finished.  The director gives a brief pep talk over his/her megaphone, and everyone rushes to the buses.  The seating arrangement in the buses is crucial, and is on the mind of most everyone.  It’s open seating, but your decision now will determine who you sit with for the next hour or so, and, if things go well, the way back as well.  A small minority are already in relationships, most likely with other band members, and they of course pair up accordingly.  Everyone else scrambles.  Trumpets, chairs 1-5, are in high demand, with flags, flutes, and the occasional saxophone hoping to score a seat next to one of them.  The guys that participate in sports as well as band are also in high demand.  Percussion has it’s own bus, and are coed enough that they can just pass “seat mates” around.  For the more awkward guys, it’s a game of getting a seat near a flute or a flag, hoping to get their attention at some point during the ride.  Lines like: “Your nuts are delicious” after taking some of her peanuts can be particularly effective.
     A good portion of the band does not participate in the “bus ride hook up game”.  Included are the Tubas, who all sit together at the back of one of the buses, the clarinets, save a few of the lesser chairs, about half of the saxophones, a quarter of the low brass, and the oboe player, who sits with the clarinets.  He puts on the “not a threat” face, and joins in their female conversations even though he secretly wants to get with at least one of them.

11:00 AM:  The head counts are done, and the buses are off. The clarinets have started up games of pitch, playing atop hat boxes or garment bags.  The tubas are playing with duct tape.  Percussion is being rowdy, and has pissed off the band parent assigned to their bus.  The boys mentioned earlier are trying their best jokes, or doing other boyish things that they think will impress the girls.  One of the trombones is using his instrument for a giant blow gun.  He and his friends think that it’s awesome, but the girls are generally grossed out.  Most of the section leaders, and a good number of the seniors are commiserating about the quality of the show this year and how they’d better get a 1.  Two situations can exacerbate this:  The band hasn’t been as good the past couple years, so the seniors have yet to get a 1 at state, or the band has gotten a 1 every year the seniors have been there, and they’re determined to get 1’s across the board.  The trombone section leader doesn’t give a flying fuck about any of this, and is busy trying to get high with the 2nd chair by inhaling the gas out of whipped cream cans.  This is largely ineffective and results primarily in choking on whipped cream, and probably getting some sort of high from the lack of oxygen while trying to swallow all of it.
     Band parents drive along side the buses all the while honking and waving signs.

12:00 PM:  The buses arrive at the competition after getting lost and driving around aimlessly for some time.  The place is a mad house.  Other bands are already warming up, others are standing around goofing off, and some are in line for their turn to perform.  General chaos ensues.  The upperclassmen are putting their uniform tops back on.  The underclassmen are terrified that they’ll loose something or get left behind, and were not confident enough to take their uniform tops off, even though it’s cool to wear just your bibs.

12:15 PM:  The band debarks the buses, and heads to the equipment truck where band dads are busy unloading.  Everyone stands by waiting for his/her instrument to be unloaded.  Instruments are then taken out of the cases, and the empty cases are put back on the truck while the racket of instruments being warmed up fills the air.

12:30 PM:  The band gets into a block formation on the warm up field and the drum majors start the warm up routine which consists of a concert B flat scale played through 3 times: first as whole notes, then as quarter notes, and finally as triplets.  The more cocky players throw in arpeggios and stuff, and are snapped at by section leaders and seniors.

12:31 PM:  Tuning.  The clarinet section leader tunes his instrument and then plays a couple tuning notes for the band.  General instruction coming from the stronger players to the weaker ones to “push in” or “pull out” ensues.

12:35 PM:  The band is now ready to go, but has 45 minutes before their turn.  Standing around occurs.  Goofing off is minimal, and if it does occur, is most likely in the tuba section, and is quickly stifled by section leaders.

1:00 PM:  The band gets into parade formation and walks down to the field to get into the “on deck” position.

1:18 PM:  The band marches down to the field with a quiet cadence either led by the snare section leader or “shhs” by the whole band.

1:20 PM:  After another quick pep talk from the director, the band takes the field.  Band parents go crazy and wave signs and release balloons.  Other band parents are on the field scurrying here and there putting props and percussion equipment in place.  At least one person trips and falls.  He/she is unhurt, but embarrassed.

1:35 PM:  The show is done, the band exits the field and heads over to have pictures taken.  A clarinet underclassman hyperventilates and barely makes it off the field.  While the band parents attend to her, news of this occurrence rapidly sweeps through the band, the condition getting worse with each telling.  Concern fills the air and everyone tries to get a glimpse of the victim.

1:40 PM:  The girl’s fine.  The band is packed onto the bleachers for the picture.  One serious picture is taken followed by one goofy one.  Parents stand by eagerly waiting to greet their children and tell them what an outstanding job they did.

1:50 PM:  Instruments are loaded back on the truck.  The buses become coed changing rooms.

2:00 PM:  The buses take the band to the mall to hang out and find something to eat before the award ceremony.  Most of the guys head to Spensor Gifts while the girls hit up Limited Too and Hot Topic.

6:00 PM:  Everyone returns to the field to watch the remaining bands and wait for the awards.  The “hook up” game continues.  Girls that received the “your nuts are delicious line” huddle up with the guys that used it.  There is general judging of the other bands.  Things like “Their lines are terrible” or “We’re way better” are said.

7:00 PM:  Awards.  The band is given a 1 and they rush the field.  Everyone is ecstatic.  An inter-school  percussion group spontaneously forms and begins pounding out cadences.  A massed band dance begins on the field complete with grinding.  Most people still have their bibs on, so this is particularly hot.

10:00 PM:  The band gets back on the buses to go home.  Everyone is in high spirits.  A lot of making out happens.  Rumor spreads that one couple is fingering each other.  Guys are intrigued–they can’t figure out how one pulls that off in the band pants.  Girls turn up their noses and say things like “what a slut”.  The oboe player quickly agrees with the girls.

11:00 PM:  The buses arrive back at the school.  Everyone gets off the buses.  Many of the guys are discovering what “blue balls” is for the first time, except for that one guy…