Monthly Archives: February 2011

What to do if You Encounter a Mormon

Time for my little disclaimer that this is a satire of common, REAL, misconceptions about the LDS church that I have either observed or have been guilty of.  It is NOT an accurate depiction of Mormons. 


If you live somewhere in the United States other than Utah and maybe Idaho, you may have had rumors about a mysterious group of people living in those states that practice polygamy.  You may know these people to be called Mormons.  If you see a Mormon, you must be very careful.  In some cases, the Mormon is easily identified.  He/She is dressed up, men in black slacks and a white, short-sleeve dress shirt with tie, women in a black skirt and blouse.  Each wear a name tag, but you won’t be able to spot this until it is already too late.  If you see a Mormon in this attire, He/She will most likely approach you if He/She hasn’t already.  These Mormons are called Missionaries, and they will attempt to convince you to join their church.  They are aggressive, and should be avoided at all costs.

In other cases, it may not be obvious that the individual in question is indeed Mormon.  He/She could be dressed in ordinary clothes and could be encountered just about anywhere.  Be on the lookout if any of the following is true:

1.  He/She mentions being from Utah
2.  He/She likes BYU (this stands for Brigham Young University—Mormons can be excommunicated for not being BYU fans)
3.  He sports a comb-over and is clean-shaven
4.  He/She is married at a young age
5.  He/She has more than 3 kids
6.  He/She likes Mitt Romney
7.  She wears clothing from modbod
8.  She has an advanced degree, but doesn’t work
9.  He has multiple wives—ALL Mormons practice polygamy.  The number of wives a man has is a measurement of how Godly he is.

In the event that you do encounter a Mormon, there is a set of guidelines that you MUST follow.  If you do not follow any one of these guidelines, the Mormom will first be incredibly offended and then try to convert you.  If the offense is too great, the Mormon may flee only to return with companions to subdue and then convert you.

1.  Do not curse.  If you happen to let a word slip, apologize immediately by saying something like: “Pardon my French”—Mormons hate French.
2.  Do not consume or even mention alcohol.  Mormons do not drink, and they find this act incredibly offensive. 
3.  Avoid caffeine.  Mormons find this almost more offensive that alcohol.  Be sure to remove all paraphernalia, such as coffee makers from the Mormon’s sight.
4.  Do not smoke.
5.  All illegal drugs are obviously very  much off limits, but anti-depressants are fair game.
6.  Do not mention Barack Obama, or any Muslim for that matter.
7.  Do not refer to America as a “Democracy”, only a “Republic”.
8.  Stay away from hot words such as “Health care”, “Regulation”, “Homosexuality”, and “Global Warming”.
9.  Don’t be visibly doing something that the Mormon could offer to help with—this will just open the door for a conversion attempt.
10.  Mormons deny the existence of boobs.

Even following these guidelines probably won’t save you.  Most Mormons can tell almost immediately if a person is Mormon or not.  They have a very keen sense of smell.  Just remember that all Mormons are exactly the same.  If you’ve met one, you’ve met them all.

Lonely Avenue

I’m a loser, I’m a poser
Yeah really, it’s over
I mean it and I quit
Everything I write is shit

Words by Nick Hornby, Sung by Ben Folds in the album Lonely Avenue

Ironically, I’m kind of a poser for posting it, as I do not write for a living.  The album is really something, though.  I highly recommend it.

How to Ski Park City

This past weekend, Tara and I skied the Park City Mountain Resort for the first time.  Being people that don’t typically frequent the “tourist resorts”, we found ourselves a little confused with all the interesting marketing the resort uses to cater to the once-a-year beginner-intermediate skier from Omaha.  Terms like “Mountainzones(tm)” and “Signature Run” abound the trail map, which is also cluttered with more symbols than a Six-Flags park map.  I wanted to write this for the skiers/boarders out there that don’t give a shit what an “Adventure Run” is, and are solely concerned in finding the best powder and the least congestion.


Mountainzone—much like Tomorrowland of Disney, these are the resort’s way of categorizing different terrain areas.  Admittedly, this is one of the more useful features on the map as a description of each zone is provided.  However, the more experienced skier can get a pretty good idea of terrain features from a map without the information overload.

Signature Run—Their goal here is to take a perfectly good blue/black run and groom it to oblivion, removing all terrain features and challenges so the occasional skier can go home and brag about hitting a black.  I wish I was making this up.

Adventure Alley—This is an effort to bring the joy of tree skiing/riding to those that prefer wide open runs.  It is basically an exceptionally curvy cat track through the woods.


Basically, all I’m trying to say is, avoid signature runs and adventure alleys, and you’ll be in good shape.