Monthly Archives: February 2013

Status Updates Interpreted

Here's What I Think of That, Little Nuggets of Wisdom

We all know about them: the ambiguous, often emo, status updates/tweets.  Most of us have been guilty of them at least one time or another.  Some of us seem to only share tidbits of their lives with the online world in this cryptic fashion.  These types of messages can be vexing for the rest of us: vaguely curious about the details, not sure if we should be concerned.  No longer!  Using unprecedented sample sizes and state-of-the-art algorithms, Absolutely Andrew has cracked the code.  We proudly present to you a list of some of the most common types of cryptic one-liners and their deciphered meanings.

1.  My Husband is Amazing!

You obviously had incredible sex after which he cuddled with you and chatted for more than the typical 10 minutes before falling asleep.  Given the fact that this post is most prevalent around holidays, especially Valentine’s Day, some sort of thoughtful gift/meal likely proceeded the sex, but the heart of the inspiration was the sex/cuddling.  Why else would we be left guessing?

 

2.  My Wife is Amazing!

I’m not thinking we need to explain this one.  Besides, it’s rated NC-17.

 

3.  Please Pray for me today.

Ah yes, the use of social networking as a prayer request tool.  I can respect that.  I would be happy to pray that you get over your constipation smoothly.

 

4.  Something doesn’t feel right.

You had Taco Bell again, and yet again, it has turned on you.

 

5.  Last night was amazing!

You went to a party/event, met a really great guy/girl and hit it off really well.  You’re being vague because the two of you are now fb friends and it is waaaay too soon to appear emotionally attached.  Most likely, he/she has seen your post, read between the lines and is either equally flattered or halfway to Santa Fe by now.

 

6.  Well that didn’t work out like I thought it would…

This one depends on when the poster was born:

Baby Boomer: Boomers, to their credit, do not post cryptic one-liners.  Instead, they try to use the status update field as a sort of blog entry.  Can any of you boomers tell me if there’s a max character limit on that?  I’d be happy to show you how to get on Word Press…

70’s: These people don’t have fb.

80’s: You thought you could get out of chores by offering your spouse bedroom favors.  It failed, and now you have more chores and less bedroom time.

90’s: You attempted to impress the girl/guy you are interested in and failed, most likely by farting as you tried to lift her up to demonstrate your strength or while wrestling him to be flirty.

2000’s: Holy shit, these people are old enough to be on fb?!  I quit…

 

7.  Oh, so this is what it’s like when it works 🙂

You just fell head over heals for someone for the first time in your life and she feels the same way.  You want to shout it out, but you feel that would be pompous, so instead you settle for an ambiguous statement that everyone sees right through anyway.

The Absolutely Andrew Endorsement List

Here's What I Think of That

Here It is.  The much awaited, highly anticipated Absolutely Andrew Endorsement List.  I’ve gotten a lot of comments on here lately from readers wanting to know how Tara and I are so awesome.  Stuff like: “Andrew, I may be the favorite son, but you’re definitely the coolest” from Ben, or, my favorite: “You should have called this blog Awesome Andrew” from anonymous.  Anyway, here is a list of the tools we use that make us so awesome, and some stuff we just plain like!

1.  Mass Transit–Otherwise known as the Absolutely Andrew Mobile Offices, the commuter train makes my commute far more enjoyable and helps the environment too!  Kudos to whoever can tell me where the word “commuter” comes from!

2.  Cast Iron Skillets–A much more rewarding cooking experience than in non-stick.  Tastier too!

3.  Canvas Tents–These roomy, durable tents will last a lifetime.  Tara and I spent more time considering how our future family would fit in our tent than we did when we bought our house.

4.  Subaru Outbacks–The ultimate adventure car

5.  DevonSupertramp–Possibly one of the biggest Youtube sensations in the history of internet video, this Utah native has created his own new genre of adventure film.  Although the style is heavily emulated and a little overused these days, it still never fails to put me in a good mood.

6.  Bon Iver, The Lumineers, Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros, Of Monsters and Men–Because my musical tastes have evidently mellowed out significantly since college.

7.  Sundance Films–Because you never know what you’re going to get.

8.  Google+–I have to admit, it has some cool features, and less whining.

9.  Homebrew–The ultimate relaxation hobby with ridiculously tasty payoff.

10.  Snow on Pine Boughs–Absolutely beautiful.  An excellent indicator of how good the powder is going to be as well.

11.  Running on snow-covered trails–Totally different running experience.  Equally rewarding.

12.  GoPros–but only if POV is balanced out with other, more unique angles.

13.  Giant Trance Mountain Bikes–Super awesome while remaining super affordable.

14.  Chill weekends at home–Perhaps this is a sign we’re growing older, but do-nothing weekends are totally bomb.

15.  Sunday Brunch–We don’t go enough, but our favorites are Diva’s and Roots.

16.  The Gamma Rays–Best Rock/Punk cover band ever.

17.  Getting up out of the inversion

18.  Stationary Bikes–nothing beats reading and exercising at the same time!

19.  Non-Stationary Bikes–unless it is riding an actual bike!

20.  GPS Watches–Reduce the urge to share the results on facebook.

21.  The unlimited possibilities of a tarp and rope.

 

 

To Build a Fire, Part 2

A Day in the Life, The Great Outdoors

This is the continuation of this.

I made the fire on the third and final night.  I had made one the night before, but it was nothing compared to this one, so I’m leaving it out.  I pulled out my hatchet and began splitting the wood–first into large pieces and then some smaller ones for kindling.  I then began striking with smooth, glancing blows causing fine, curled wood shavings to separate from the log, cleaved free effortlessly by the sharp blade.

I walked around the camp site gathering dry grass which I fashioned into a bird’s nest looking thing.  I carefully laid the nest in the center of the fire pit and filled it with the shavings.  I then build a small fortress around it, starting with the big logs and gradually getting smaller.

When I was done, I stepped back and admired my creation for a few moments before lighting a single match and tossing it right into the heart of the fortress.  A little flame rose cautiously, shy at first, but rapidly growing until the entire structure was ablaze creating heat so intense I had to move my chair back.

I sat gazing into the flames sipping my beer and feeling totally one with my primordial instincts.  Had someone addressed me during that moment, I may have responded:  “Me Andrew! Me make fire!”